ready for the truth?
I decided it's about time I came out and shared with everyone what the fuck has been going on. If you're ready for an extremely long winded post then read on.
It all started so long ago that it doesn't seem real. The simple shit first...I broke a few hearts and in turn got mine ripped out. After a short healing period, I was introduced to the Seattle night life. Thank you again Matt. I tried to fit in the best I could and was received well by many people. At least I would think so. Made many a new friend and met some I would like to forget. All was going well with that until I started a paper route with my big brother. Then my time out started to slip away. I had too many car problems to even get into right now, but that also hindered my goings out. Gave myself a well deserved vacation to Maui with the hopes of new beginings and a new lease on life. Hense the new tatoo. After that came a sherk in my responsabilities. Lost my son's daycare which left me no alternative but to only have him on my days off. That again hindered my time out.
Still with me? It gets ugly from here on out...
By a chance meeting I ran into an old boyfriend from high school. One thing led to another and we started fuckin around. Next thing I knew, the soon to be ex-wife asks me to move in. She was supposed to be moving out soon so it seemed like a good idea at the time. A real house instead of an apartment with a real yard, a decent school district for my soon to be kindergardener, and a live in fuck partner that was ok with my lifestyle. In fact, it actually turned him on. Well, the ex-wife stuck around longer than anyone anticipated and his kid moved in too. Kind of left no alone time for fun. Before I knew it he had found himself a new job and a new girlfriend. All our plans forfeited at that time. I was ok with all this because I already had my eyes elsewhere. Now he no longer was any help and I got to see his true nature. Better late than never I guess.
Intermission... I've smoked way too many cigarettes writting this and it keeps trying to snow on me. What an evil April fools joke! Back to my story. Hope you got a smoke yourself and probably will need to have a drink for the rest of this.
Living out in the country in the summer is a recipe for good times. You can have the tunes cranked up as loud as they can go. Keg'rs every other weekend or so. Sittin on the patio enjoying the sun playing cards with the neighbor till the sun goes down. Ah, the big crinkle in my life...the neighbor.
One friday the 13th I get a phone call while still at work requesting me to bring home some beer. I had plans to go see System7 at the Lakepoint that night but I was running so late getting out of work that I would've missed the show. Why not get a case of beer and sit around a bonfire? Oh how life would be different if I hadn't done that. Between the two of us we nearly finished the 18 pack. And of course there were other party favors that didn't help my level of intoxication. One broken patio chair and no sleep later, we had just started something crazy. We had that wonderful newness thing going on for some time but agreed that it was just about the sex and company. No comittments. Yeah right. Ones heart has a tendancy to do things without your permission. Mine fell head over heels into stupidity. I stopped going out to Seattle on Saturdays because I wanted to stay locked up all weekend at his house. Which we did most times. Sometimes though, it didn't happen and I would stay home anyways just in case he called. How stupid was I?! Don't laugh at me, you've all done it at least once in your life too.
After about five months or so of this self induced coma, I start to get the feeling things aren't going so hot. The giant hicky on his neck that I had nothing to do with and seeing his ex's car in the drive over night kind of gave it away. I'm not totally stupid. Just a little butt hurt cuz he tried to hide it.
Here's where having the alcohol in hand is necessary...
Friday before Valentines day, right before I'm due to leave for work, he finally decides to tell me we're done. Via text message. What a chicken shit right? I cried about it for all of maybe 5 minutes. No big deal. You saw it coming. No comittments. Just sex. Move on. This is what I'm telling myself. But there's a nagging feeling in my gut (no pun intended) that something isn't right. Decide to go to the casino after work for drinks with a coworker to get my mind off shit. Got drunk off two beers and a glass of wine with dinner. That ain't right. Think nothing of it. Come monday I can't shake the odd feeling. While shopping for yummy dinner stuffs I decide what the hey, grab a prego test. Bet it's just nerves but what the hell.
Take a shot now...
You guessed it. Positive. Confirmed the next day. Day after that I get a message from neighbor that made no sense. I decided that if he can be a chicken about calling things off via text then I can be a chicken about ruining his day via text. Oh how that backfired! Turns out it was his girlfriend texting me with his phone. Bitch!!! Keeping track of what day it now is? That's right...sappy lovers day. Sorry to ruin Valentines day for you bitch! Not really. She started it.
With all of two days to think about the rest of my life, I told him I had no intention to keep it. Made an appointment for two weeks later to do just that. He drove me down there. I cried the entire ride there. Got half way through the prelims and got sent away because of the infection on my leg. That turned out to be a staph infection. I don't wish that on anyone...well, maybe one. He stayed right by my side every step of the way holding my hand. I couldn't have made it without him cuz it hurt like a mother! Left the ER and beelined for the pharmacy. Yay for perk's! Get home wanting to veg in front of the tube and every channel is snow. Roommate shut off the cable. Nice timing ass.
So my appointment is rescheduled for two weeks later. I find out that won't work for him. He asks if I could reschedule or get someone else to drive me. I think everyone will agree that it's his responsability to take me. At least I think so! So I reschedule, again. At this point, it's either do it or not. There is no rescheduling. I've reached the end of possibilities. At this point I've known for a month and a half. I've felt the first flutters of movement. I'm 12 weeks along. I changed my mind. I think. Every other hour it's a different decision. And I told him that. Boy was he pissed. This is going to ruin his life he tells me. I'm willing to go it completely alone. Weaker people than I have raised two kids alone. I can do it. After a week of nonstop crying on each others shoulder I finally realize that I'm crazy.
Again, thank you Matt for helping set me straight.
The night before comes along. Still hanging out next door crying. He comforts me well and cries too. End up sleeping there in bed next to the man I want to hate, but at the same time don't want to be anywhere else. To make things worse, I get woken in the middle of the night to him kissing me. Wondeful! This isn't helping! Morning brings D-day and a flood of feelings old and new. I can't go...yes I can...no I can't. Damnit girl just do it! So we go. To Kenmore. Funny how it all comes around, the clinic is right down the street from the Lakepoint. My appointment is for 9 am and should take all day. I wont go into any details about this event except how everytime I end up in one of these places they are playing an inapropriate movie. When Harry met Sally the first time...remember the orgazm scene? And Bicentenial man this time. The whole movie is about preserving life! Wtf?! Everything went as expected and again he was right at my side holding my hand. Carrying me everywhere. Taking me for more pain meds. Being super gentle and very supportive. That's all I needed. I planned on vegitating for the whole weekend and thats what was happening...until...did we lose track of one perticular bitch? You guessed it...the girlfriend showed up! If you didn't hate her before you will now! The day after this wreched event she's at the door screaming "did she do it?" And "she has her own house to stay at and her own bed to sleep in!" "You did your part by driving her down there now let her deal with it!" Told you you were gunna hate her. He at least had the courtesy to take the conversation where I couldn't hear. An hour later and three more perks later she leaves.
This is where you start to hate him.
He appologizes for the whole situation, seeing as it was his fault. Apparently he was ignoring her while caring for me. How sweet right? Obvious backfire. She found out the same day I was destroying life that she can't have anymore herself. And he had ignored her for days. Man was she pissed. This lead to me being cast away Saturday night so he could defuse her. I was sooo not ready to be alone yet. Not to mention I was way over medicated! He says if you need anything call...right. Puke in the driveway cuz I'm shaking like mad. What's the best thing to do at this point? Drive to Denny's! Oops for the possible $8000 fine for driving on narcotics. Don't care at this point. In fact, I kind of wished I would've hit that phone pole that was inches from my bumper. Life really sucks at this point why bother.
Welcome to the depression phaze.
I hate life. I hate him. I hate her! I try to move on. Turn about is fare play I guess. Now it's my turn to be ignored. The support I was promised isn't there. Occasionally I get a text...only when he's at work. Every other waking moment she is there. I'm all alone. I get to sit next door and have to listen to her meniacle laughter. I get to see his beautiful daughter play outside with her ugly kids. In fact, his kid talks to me more than he does. She's so sweet. It kills me. I could have had that. Now everytime I'm around a little one there comes a huge lump in my throat. I end up having to walk away before I lose control.
Tuesday I headed down to Mothership to have my pheonix worked on by the master tatt's man Spike. He did an awsome job! Well worth what I spent. Feelin good about everything.
Confessional comes and I think I'm ready. It hasn't even been a week yet. I can do this. Get all gussied up cuz I must. Clothes fit comfortably again. Here I go. Drive an hour to Seattle to somewhere I've only been twice before. But hey, it's all for Monsignor...and my sanity. Had one expensive drink. Fell on my knees while walking cuz of a short stride in my skirt and unfamiliar territory. That hurt. My pride and my knees are instantly bruised. Made it through the burlesqe show just barely. I'm not used to so many people pushing and shoving. I guess I could have moved out of the crowd but there wasn't really anywhere to go. Except home. I feel myself losing it rapidly. Gotta go. And quick! Say my goodbyes and jet. I didn't even make it to my car before I start bawling and weeping. Had to sit there for at least 30 min before I was composed enough to drive. Even then it was iffy. Got home before 2 am. Short night. Good attempt.
Friday brings another day. I really wanted to go to the Blacklight and support General Bek and the girls but I didn't have it in me two nights in a row. I went out locally with a coworker and barely made it through without killing everyone.
Saturday comes. Noc Noc here I come. First time in a couple months. I need this...badly. I know I'll see more familiar people there then at the Merc. Should be safe. I again get gussied up to the max. Most revealing in public that I've ever been except for the time I was flogged by Mistress Blue. Good times. I have to say I was smokin hot that night. (If anyone got pix, I want copies.) Did a lot of good for me and my depression. I left a little early but only cuz I was getting tire. I do have a long drive home and I usually start fading out within ten minutes from home. Not safe. (That's a good sign considering I could care less the week before :)
Sunday rolls around and I gotta go get the kid. His dad's an idiot and wasn't expecting me at all. So I mosie on over to matt's for the wrestlemania thing until I get the call to pick up. Later that night was supposed to be the Golden Corral thing but my kid was being unruley so we didn't go. Hope you guys had fun. Maybe next time. So I stayed home and started cleaning. That will take forever. Get my mind off things. Again, country living is great. It's 11 at night and the radio is cranked. That's when I get the hair up my ass to write this. I started last night and am finishing it today.
I hope this clears up a lot of bullshit for everyone. If you made it this far I commend your efforts. If you hate me for my desicions, I'm really not sorry. I'm the one who has to live with it, not you. Thank you for your time and patience and support throughout everything. I be seein you later...smooches :)
Current Mood: 
exhausted 
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sihaya0423's journal
nauseated
pissed off
excited
anxious
